Ennui envelopes me...

I decided to watch Cruel Intentions while I was doing battle with technology... I think I like that movie more and more every time I see it. And we all know Ryan Phillippe is hot anyway, so there.

• Cecile Caldwell: This sure doesn't taste like an iced tea.
  Sebastian: It's from Long Island.
• [on Greg McConnell being gay]
  Blaine Tuttle: He used to sneak into my dorm room drunk every month. We'd go at it for a little while, and then, as soon as he'd come, he'd start freaking out. "What are you doing, man? I'm not a fag. If you tell anybody, I'm gonna kick your ass!" God. The only reason I let him keep up the charade is because the man's got a mouth like a hoover. Ooh!
• Kathryn: The parental units called while you were out.
  Sebastian: How IS your gold-digging whore of a mother enjoying Bali?
  Kathryn: She suspects your impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid.
  Sebastian: Good.

And I finally got the projector working, so now I'm off to begin my Nutrition midterm. Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Honey do... Honey, come and do me again..."

[Please note: Per request and recommendation of Sir Uncle Roy Bocephus-Lou Bailey, Vice Chancellor in Charge of Panty Retrieval (and certified Tunnel Boring Machine), The World at Large will now be featured in syndicate at LiveJournal.]

IA ORA TE NATURA
E MEA AROFA TEIE AO NEI
IA ORA TE NATURA
E MEA AROFA TEIE AO NEI

Well I had a windfall today and have all the furniture I'll need in the apartment... I really don't like the reason behind it, but oh well.

I so don't want to do Nutrition tonight, but I'll be working tomorrow and showing my video all day Friday. And I'm supposed to be done with homework before we leave Saturday. Bitch, please.

To everyone...

To everyone...
Originally uploaded by exiguousopificer.

Thought this was a good idea and just wanted everyone to know that each of you are important to me.

Weed Identification and Control

I don't really feel like typing a cleverly-composed blog, so it's only gonna' be a couple of quotes...

• Mom: "Well why is there a crack there if you're not meant to stick things in it?!"
• Marissa (age 3): "Whoop 'er, Bubba!"

Oh yeah... I bathed a rabbit yesterday. I buried it today. There is no correlation, thank you.

...*sigh*...

So I did a quick tally, and I have...

42 chapters, 1 essay, 14 Exams, 2 mid-terms, 1 final

...to do before the 1st of July (a week and a half).

Start 'em young.

[An excerpt from Cultural Anthropology]

• Among the Trobriand Islanders... children who have reached the age of 7 or 8 years begin playing erotic games and imitating adult seductive attitudes. Within another 4 or 5 years they begin to pursue sexual partners in earnest-changing partners often, experimenting sexually first with one and then another. By the time they are in their mid-teens, meetings between lovers take up most of the night, and affairs are apt to last for several months. Ultimately, lovers begin to meet the same partner again and again, rejecting the advances of others. When the couple is ready, they appear together one morning outside the young man's house as a way of announcing their intentions to be married.

Why so blue, Panda Bear?

I'm tired. And I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of homework. And I'm tired... nevermind.

"CSI was on for about four of the hours that I spent doing Nutrition tonight... I think I've become addicted."
[This is all that exists of recent attempts at blogging; what a great life.]

Is anyone aware (probably Tessa, but no other) that the word "autoerotic" is used in Jurassic Park?

I looked in the mirror today and realized that not only do I have serious furrows in my brow (that don't go away, save for a little pulling) but they're crooked. They're not even level with my head. I blamed this immediately on my mother, who has the same problem; she readily commented that yeah, we also have the same funky angle in that one eyebrow.

My sister and I went to Chili's to eat with my dad and grandparents. First of all, my grandpa tried call-ahead seating and was told, "Oh, we can't take your name; there's no wait, just come right over." After the seven minute drive, there were sixteen people ahead of us, and a group of four was the largest. And since it was raining, the hostess decided that she needed to mop; this wound up being a bizarre checker-game-gone-bad type ballet:

• Rather than mopping the rest of the empty floor first, she decides that she needs to mop right where I'm standing: "Excuse me, sir."
• So I move to the other end of my group, at which point she mops AROUND them and back to me: "Excuse me, sir."
• So I move to the center of the floor, at least ten feet away from her. Naturally, she makes a straight diagonal across the floor, intersecting me: "Excuse me, sir."
• Once again I move to the opposite side of the room. Guess what: "Excuse me, sir."
• Again rejoining my group, I go to where she has already mopped, thinking that I'm now safe from her attacks. But instead of returning the mop to the back through the centrally-located alley which every other employee has taken, she decides that it would be best to take the dirty mop through the restaurant and bar, which is also, of course, through me. "Excuse me, sir."
• This long story to say: If I had heard "Excuse me, sir," one more time, I'm afraid Father's Day Lunch would have sounded like this:
  "Bitch, let me tell you something. I am sick and goddamned tired of you chasing my ass all over this fucking floor with your goddamned broom. Now I know you like looking at my ass, but I'll be damned if you're going to continue trying to shove your broom up it. Now just take your wrinkled ass on over there and clean up that wet spot; I do believe that old fat lady just pissed herself."

And on the way home I bought $1.50 worth of gas with quarters, nickels, and dimes.

I have to be at work in four hours. I couldn't sleep because I was watching "Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List" and (sadly) laughing hysterically. So I get on WebCT and realize that I just got a zero on four chapters of homework that I worked my ass off on and never submitted. So I sent off a little message, complete with some rather blatant attempts at reverse psychology, and I'm tired now. But I'm hungry first, and I'm eating some cheerios.

Oh yeah, and thanks to the anonymous poster on my last entry... flattery is always an effective mood-booster.

At 6:30 in the morning.

I want to place a kitten in a box of razorblades and fire ants and shake it. I will then mail the product to the author of this shitty nutrition textbook which doesn't say a fucking thing in the entire chapter about the cause of edema in protein-energy malnutrition.

When babelfish attack.

I realized that with my particular version of Microsoft Word, the following occurs:

• If you type in the phrase wellbeing, you have the option (via the autocorrect feature) to replace it with either
  - well being (after which it requests that you replace it with well-being)
  or
  - well-being (after which it requests that you replace it with well being)

Ahh, Microsoft...

And I just got my grade back from my first Anthropology assignment. The professor's comments:

• "Grey, Good work; very neat; blocked in text with dates on the dates of human evolution. Learn young man; learn and become a better human being. See how the world and society and biology determine much of humankind. R. Bearden"

First of all, my name is not fucking Grey. I once filled out an information card at a college day and started getting mail addressed to Grey Sullivan as a result of shitty handwriting. This assignment was typed, okay?

Furthermore, what the fuck does the rest of that mean? I'm trying to picture Mr. Miyagi saying, "Learn, young man," right between "wax on" and "wax off," you know?

*sigh* I'm going to sleep in the hallway with Marissa. God, I hope she doesn't wake up for a few hours.

"Lose your load, leave your mind behind, Baby James..."

Last night was awesome movie night... I watched something (I can't remember, but I know it was good...) and got ready for bed. But before I could doze off, I saw that Scenes From a Mall with Bette Midler and Woody Allen was on: cracks me up... So I watched that for two hours before discovering that Detroit Rock City was also on; I had forgotten how awesome it was! And then there was Groundhog Day, which is a rather shitty movie, but I still like it...

• [From Detroit Rock City]
  Jam: Hey what's up mom? I'm gonna ask you this nicely first. Can i have my drumsticks back?
  Mrs. Bruce: Your drumsticks are the least of your worries young man. You ran out on God! My son just ran out on God! You are in a world of...
  Jam: TROUBLE!? I've been in trouble for the past 12 hours! HELLO!? You know I'm going to be in St. Bernards Boarding School for the next 2 years. I'm gonna be out of your hair until I'm a legal adult! And then all YOU have to do is is light a candle, pray to some stupid little statue for me and all is forgiven and forgotten, right mom? Then you can spend your days in a guilt free pursuit of more constructive activities like telling people how screwed up their lives are. And then you no longer need the patience and understanding required to talk to your own son on some normal plain. And then that way you don't have to think about how tough it was for you when you were growing up and its a good thing too cause if you did, you'd realize what a lousy, goddam shitty-ass parent you are.
  Mrs. Bruce: Jeremiah what has gotten into you?
  Jam: I JUST LOST MY VIRGINITY IN A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH... LORD HAVE MERCY! Now for the last time, Mom, give me back my fucking drumsticks... please.

Overall, I suppose I've had a rather good day...

Mom woke me up this morning so that I could meet her down the highway to buy a bed for my apartment for $1. ;)

I did some anthropology today... got to finish the rest when I get off here...

We had Mary's retirement dinner tonight at Layne's... 20-22 ounce Prime rib, medium rare; sauteed mushrooms; praline cheesecake, etc. And all on the bank's tab, of course--Now *that's* what I like to see.

Then I went over to Alicia's... ate some brownies, nearly died; played some uno, nearly died; searched for her brother's porn stash, nearly died. We had a good time.

Oh yeah! The current night processor at work told me that he got the following phone call:

• Grant: "Good afternoon, Bank of Star City: This is Grant, how can I help you?"
  Woman: "Yes, is Greg Sullivan there?"
  Grant: "No ma'am, he's not."
  Woman: "Oh. Well, is he a magician?"
  Grant: "Um, I'm not actually sure."
  Woman: "Okay, well thanks for answering all my questions."
  [Click]

Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina...

Well I learned this afternoon that I'll most likely be working full-time for the next two weeks. Yay. At least I'll get one solid paycheck.

I've been listening to records a lot today. For father's day I'm making a compilation CD from the records my grandpa's band put out years ago.

Saturday night I went to Ameca and the movies with Alicia, Diana, Wilson, Dusty, and Brian:

• Me: "This [camping fork] would be perfect to kill someone with."
  [Alicia said the man behind me immediately walked away.]
• Diana: "Greg, I really think you should get this. Wouldn't a peasant skirt look good on you?"
  [After which I received an inquisitive look from the woman walking by.]
• Alicia and I danced out of the theater...

There was a giant poster up advertising a movie due out in August: Snakes on a Plane. What. The. Fuck. Are we finally out of names for movies? Maybe we should follow this line of logic and start naming movies (compiled from IMDB forum) as such:

• Titanic: Big Boat Sinks
• Jaws: Big Fucking Shark Eats People
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Johnny Depp Acting Stoned
• Brokeback Mountain: Cowboys Who Like Cowboys
• Lake Placid: Big Gator in a Pond
• Pulp Fiction: Samuel L. Jackson Blasts Some Muthafuckas
• House Of Wax - Over-Hyped Anorexic Tries to Act Waxy and Wooden

...and my favorite...

• The Da-Vinci Code: A Guy With Weird Hair and a French Hottie Search For the Proof That Jesus Was Married While a Creepy Old Gay Fella' Tricks Them

Oh yeah: You don't cry for me either, Argentina.

And that's why he has titties.

Some assorted Overheard in New York Quotes:
____________________

My Heroes Have Always Been Dead

Teen girl #1: Hey, can I borrow your Nirvana CD to burn? My iPod erased my mp3s.
Teen girl #2: I wish I had it! I like, traded it away for a pack of cigarettes.
Teen girl #1: Woah... that's so, Kurt Cobain of you!
Teen girl #2: Hello. Totally why I did it.

--6 train
____________________

Not Guilty by Reason of Mango Madness

Teen ghetto chick: How many niggas was they? Like twelve? Do not tell James this shit, do not, 'cause he will be all ovah their asses and after he beat up the Snapple man and got arrested, he needs to stay away from that shit.

--Downtown A train, 145th st
____________________

Soon to Be a McD-Cup

Thirtysomething mom on cell: That boy of your is too fat. [Pause] Well, you keep feeding him hamburgers. That's why he has titties. He's an A-cup.

--M15 bus

____________________

It's Important to Have Principles

Girl #1: Was he attractive at least?
Girl #2: I wouldn't sleep with people who aren't attractive.
Girl #1: Well, I've slept with people who weren't attractive.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too.

--Dunkin' Donuts, 140th & Broadway

[World at Large note: Lord, haven't we all...]
____________________

Wednesday One-liners Have No Manners

College kid on cell: He used my razor to shave his balls....I didn't know what to do, I just stood there.

--85th & 2nd

[World at Large note: Damn it, Jared.]
_____________________

What Happens Between Starbucks Runs #22 and #23

Girl: I'm going to bed when I get home.
Mom: OK, if I get up before you and I want to do something fun, then should I wake you up?
Girl: It depends on what "fun" is. If it's one of your ninety-seven Starbucks runs, then no. If it's chasing the dog around the house going "Eeeeee!" then, yeah, sure.

--B train

Meerkats Molest Manatee; Zoo Officials Stunned

Not much to say...

• "You have lovely testicles."
  "Thanks; I used to enter them in pageants."
  [Three guesses who this conversation occurred between]
  
• "Dear Abby, I think that a young man in our family may be gay (He is 15). I am wondering if there is some way that I could help him. Would circumcision cure it?
  -Worried Grandmother in Illinois"
  [I quote this as exactly as I can recall from an actual letter to Dear Abby. Not surprisingly, Abby responds, voicing her opinion that homosexuality is not a sickness to be cured.]

Special of the Day: Strychnine Soup

So I tried to post Tuesday when I got home... and Blogger lost it.
So I tried to post this morning... and Blogger lost it.

So I'm not going to take the time to type that eloquent, sometimes funny, sometimes serious, masterfully-worked-to-perfection piece of my thoughts a third time.

Instead... I'll say:

SON OF A GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKING, SHITTY WHORE ASS, CUNT FACED BITCH! FUCK YOU, BLOGGER! I'M SICK OF THIS GODDAMN SHIT! EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I TRY TO POST SOMETHING I'VE WORKED ON FOR AN HOUR YOU LOSE THE MOTHERFUCKING POST AND I AM FORCED TO DO THE WHOLE SHITTY THING AGAIN; AND THEN... SOMETIMES... MAYBE... YOUR SHITTY ASS WILL POST IT WITHOUT LOSING IT.

And in closing....
I now go to finish my chocolate cake and continue reading about female Bonobos rubbing their genitals against one another.

Love and kisses,
-Mamacita-

"Ooh aah uhh... toxic love."

Well Jordan and I went to the Mr./Miss Gay Pride Pageant at UBU last night... It was good; Gigi gave up her title to Dustin...

Wesley was there with some boy named Justin who was actually too young to get in.

After we got back we were watching Discovery Health. A deaf man was having a chin implant to fill out his profile a little better. Before he went under the anesthesia, the nurses placed the oxygen mask over his mouth:

• Nurse (while wearing a surgical mask, mind you): "Okay, we're just gonna' put some oxygen on your face.
  [Makes a generic circular shape with her hand... Maybe 'O' means Oxygen? ;) ]
  Deaf man thinking: "What the hell is this bitch waving her hand for?"

Okay, so I admit... It's not nearly as funny as it was then, but hey- It was also four in the morning.

No more crack before bed.

I must say... Considering the dream I just had, I've been hanging around Megan too much.

So goes the dream:

While staying the night at my grandparents, I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk outside. I told them I was leaving and, rather than walking to the door, simply climbed out a window.

Upon getting outside, I find myself in their backyard (which is actually an outdoor amphitheatre because they apparently live in an old school). At the edge of the woods I see several dark figures walking away, one of them a naked man on a horse.

I walk around for a while before the figures come back and approach me. Behind them is a group of some forty or fifty individuals, almost all naked, but only the one on horseback (I actually think he may have been a centaur). He hands me a paper sack full of items (the only one I notice is a copy of Goodfellas on DVD, which is actually spelled "Goodfellows" in the dream). He then proceeds to explain to me the group's religious ideologies, none of which I can remember save for "we don't believe in the nine Gods," and something about a "God of blood."

So we all take our seats in the stands and a program involving nudity and elaborate costumes begins... before I wake up. Damn.

Handsome hot-dogs

So far my weekend has been good, but tiring...

I worked Friday then went to Russelville with Jordan to see some of his friends...

• While driving to Conway, I got behind an early model Ford Pickup with four young men in the back, three holding guitars, one with a violin. Obviously they're still working on hitting it big.
• [Paraphrase]
  Midgie: "Stop it, Jacob!"
  Jordan: "Did you just call me Jacob?"
  Midgie: "No, I said Jordan..."
  Me: "She did. I heard her."
  Jordan: "No, you called me Jacob!"
  Midgie: "Well I can call you Mom if it would make you feel better."

Today (Saturday) I went to Little Rock with Mom (my actual mom, not mom in reference to Jordan...) to run some errands:

• Mom (reading a sign): "Touch... Privates Therapy... Well that's nice... I wonder how much it costs."
  Me: "You mean 'Touch-Pointe Therapy?"
  Mom: "Oh. Okay. I guess maybe I should wear my glasses when I'm driving."
  
• Me (in reference to a shirtless redneck on his front porch): "You want me to go back so you can whistle?"
  Mom: "Oh, I didn't see him... Was he a hot tamale or what? Come over here, you luscious thing!"
  
• Mom (on a nonworking lawnmower facing uphill): "Push me!"
  Me: "I can't push your ass..."
  Mom: "Was that a fat joke?"
  [...]

Oh yeah... and I burned a fantastic CD:

1. Elton John - Levon
2. Natasha Bedingfield - Frogs and Princes
3. Paula Abdul - Straight Up
4. Gladys Knight & The Pips - Midnight Train to Georgia
5. GK & TP - Misty Blue
6. Stevie Wonder & Dionne Warwick - That's What Friends Are For
7. Patti Labelle - Lady Marmalade
8. Camera Obscura - Houseboat
9. Commander Cody... - Hot Rod Lincoln
10. Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil
11. RS - You Can't Always Get What You Want
12. RS - Brown Sugar
13. Taco - Putting on the Ritz (remix of original, of course)
14. O'jays - Love Train
15. Rilo Kiley - Teenage Love Song
16. RK - Portions For Foxes
17. Taylor Dane - I'll Be Your Shelter

"It is very good to take things..."

First of all... a search for "panda" on Google Image uncovers a poorly translated webpage detailing a number of methods of animal copulation. An excerpt:

• Kangaroo: A point is sharp, and sex organs are divided into the type Y letter like a branch. On the other hand, as for the female sex organs, a vagina is divided into two in all the excretory mouths. The position of the male testicles changes, too. A human being is included, too, and a general animal faces though there is scrotum of back of the sex organs, and a kangaroo has sex organs about the back at the front.
• Panda: There is a thing called the "sixth finger" in one of the big characteristics of the panda. It is said that a part of the bone became long in the thing of the projection in the palm of the panda about this. It is very good to take things because it confronts the palm and it is stuck. Male sex organs are very little things by about 7cm.

Did I mention that it's complete with animated images? After this, I definitely had to make a trip to Engrish.com.

So then I get on WebCT to get my next assignment for Anthropology:

• Always read your assignments carefully! Essays should follow a logical and time themematic sequence; that is, explan the basic scientific hypotheses (scientific theories which are "facts" held to a constant, rigorious standard of repetitive tests) that led to evolution of each classification of humankind. Be sure to explain what each progressive development of humankind produced.
  (red=spelling error)
  (underline=fucked up or nonsensical phrase)
• Sounds as to like someone steal of Japanese website or try to make the sound smart but with failure (sic).

Other than these, I've only uncovered a few interesting things:

• Last night I watched most of a movie called Motel Hell. Basically it's a farmer and his sister who kidnap travelers and plant them in the garden to make delicious smoked meat.
• The other night I found a television show called Pants-Off Dance-off. Basically, the premise is a show on which random people (who can or cannot dance) striptease to their favorite music video. It's quite tragic... kinda' like a dismembered head rolling down the highway.
• Linday's wedding is Saturday... and do I have a gift? Um, no.
• I heard a song I like called "Fatty Fatty" by The Heptones.
• Since the question was asked, an explanation of yesterdy's post: "wearing boxers" means "wearing only boxers."

And to close, yet another slightly shockingly mysteriously cryptic phrase from the Japanese copulation website:

• "The mystery of the nature which isn't taught to me is understood at school."